Why we can’t hold it together all the time
Previously, I discussed the idea of progress, not perfection. Now while I love the concept, I know it’s incredibly difficult at times to put into action. Yet, we need to remember this for ourselves, our loved ones, children, bosses, coworkers, and anyone else we interact with from day to day. If we do not, we find ourselves questioning our efficacy as a parent, parent, boss, coworker, friend, etc.
Have you ever had a really good day at work? You feel like you achieved all the day’s goals and had great interactions with your peers. Your mood was great and you felt energized. Or maybe you didn’t, but you were able to conceal your exhaustion and, to the outside observer, you looked like you were doing well. Then you get home to your roommate, partner, kids (whatever your living situation is) and you find yourself with a short fuse. Your child or partner asks for you to grab them a drink. Your response: “get your own drink!” Why is it that we can keep ourselves together in our work environment but not at home? Why do we crumble or explode at home? This is the reality of restraint collapse.
What is restraint collapse? Essentially, no one can be “on” 24/7. We can perform in one area of life, but when we get to our safety zone, we essentially collapse from the drain of the day. To try to be “on” 24/7 is not sustainable. Being “on” is the restraint of restraint collapse - the idea that we show restraint. At some point you will be “off” - this is the collapse part. Being “off” is most likely to happen in the places we feel the safest, with the people with whom we feel the safest.
What does this look like with children? Kids may be well behaved at school or daycare. You hear from providers that your child does so well during the day and rarely needs redirection. Or maybe your child is excellent at listening to their sports coach. But what happens when you get home? Why is it that we experience a totally different child in our own home? Restraint collapse is why. Behaviors can look like tantrums, demanding behaviors, dysregulation, yelling, kicking, etc. And you start to think to yourself. . . what have I done for this to happen? In reality, you’ve been a good enough parent. You have provided a safe place for your child where they feel safe to collapse. Kids don’t collapse in places they do not feel safe, if they can avoid it.
What if my child is well behaved at home and then misbehaving at school? That too can be looked at as “restraint collapse”. When this happens we look at if our child is having behavioral difficulties or learning difficulties that make it hard to keep themselves “on” during the school day. When I worked with foster children I often saw behaviors at home, or school, and sometimes both areas. Why? Because their concept of safety has been violated. They find their safety in certain people. They look to see how we react to their behaviors to determine if we are a safe person or not. Will we continue to be there for them regardless of their behaviors?
What does restraint collapse look like for adults? For adults with safe and supportive relationships in the home we are more likely to see restraint collapse in the home environment. This is the getting home from work and quite literally melting down with our loved ones. Letting out the stress of the day. Sometimes this doesn’t come across as our best selves and we beat ourselves up for it. Remember though, progress not perfection. We all crack at some point and it’s a beautiful time, once you have regulated, to model taking accountability and apologizing to your partner, kid, parent.
There are times, when we are in an unsupportive relationship (domestic violence is an example as is a critical home environment) and the restraint collapse occurs in the work environment. This impacts our productivity, relationships with employers and peers and ultimately makes it difficult to continue our work. That’s not to say this happens all the time. Sometimes we try to keep it together at work and collapse at home which leads to further stress. Essentially, while restraint collapse usually occurs in a safe environment, it can occur in an unsafe environment and when this is the case we could benefit from creating a safe environment for ourselves, something with the help of a mental health professional.
Maybe you live in a supportive home environment but you are having an “off” day at work and find yourself short with your co-workers or boss. This happens when we are carrying so much stress that the restraint collapse bleeds into multiple environments (like the children displaying behaviors at home and school). Except as adults, with more developed brains, most importantly a fully developed prefrontal cortex - the thinking part of the brain - this is a less common occurrence. When this happens it’s again important to reflect, identify why we feel “off” today and know again that it’s progress, not perfection. I, myself, have apologized to my employees and peers for not being the best version of myself at times and I believe this helps others know that we cannot always be “on” and we will have times we feel “off”.
Next, I will speak more to the idea of our brain development and how this impacts our ability to regulate and reason.
